Monday, 20 September 2010

No cash for you, Buster!!!!

Anyone who knows me is aware of the fact that I hate complications and can become quite stroppy with people trying to set common sense aside for the sake of rules and regulations.
A few days ago I signed up with a new bank online and filled in all the things I was asked to fill in.
Spookily I was accepted and as by magic a few days later such things as cheque books and cards arrived.
I therefore last night went back onto the web to do some internet banking.
To my surprise I had to “register” for internet banking by phoning a number.
Easy! . . . Or so I thought!!
Here then is the general conversation with the bank woman:

‘Good evening, XXX-Bank, Sally speaking, how can we help?’
‘Hi, Sally, my name is E.S.U. and I would like to sign up for internet banking!’
‘Sure! I need to first take you through “Security”!’
‘Oh, OK!?!’
‘Can you give me digit 1 and 3 of your pin number?’
‘I haven’t received my pin number yet!’
‘Ok, when did you open your account?’
‘Just now! Which is why I am ringing you!’
‘Can you give me your memorable name?’
‘What name would that be?’
‘The name you gave on the online form when you applied!’
‘Oh . . . . eeehm . . . Jamie?’
‘No’
‘Jan?’
‘No!’
‘Harry?’
‘NO!!’
‘Rumpelstielsken???????’
‘NOOOO!!!! . . . What about your memorable date???’
‘I slept since then!!’
‘ (Sigh) What credit limit did we give you??’
‘Eeehhmmm . . . £5700???’
‘Nope!’
‘Well, it has definitely got a 5 and a 7 in it!!!
£57?? (laughs nervously)’
‘ (Big Sigh) OK, what is the account number you gave us??’
‘What number? The one from my current bank?’
‘Yes!’
‘OK, it is (number here)!’
‘No, that is your account number from OUR bank!’
‘Oh, hang on!! I just found your letter!!! The credit limit is £7500!!!!!’
‘Too late!’
‘What do you mean by “too late”?? Too late for what??’
‘I need to go through my computer screen prompts and that one has gone!’
‘So what you are saying is: “Computer says NO’ harhargnahaha snort!!’
‘ ~~~~ silence ~~~’
‘Look here, Sandie!’ ‘SALLY’ ‘yeah, Sally, ask me something I will know! It is me, honestly!!’
‘What is your date of birth?’
‘Aha!!!! Yes, it is (birth date for Sally’s ears only)!’
‘Correct!’
‘Wahaheyyyy!!’

After another half dozen silly questions she finally believes me to be ME and proceeds:

‘Right, now that we have established that you are YOU (which I actually knew all the time even though she almost made me doubt it) how about setting up a new memorable name??’
‘OK, how about . . . “SERIOUSLY” ??
‘SERIOUSLY????’
‘Yes, straight up! I’m not yoking!!’
‘No, I mean . . the memorable word is “SERIOUSLY”??
‘Honestly!!’
‘The word is “Honestly?”
‘No the word is “SERIOUSLY” . . Honestly!!’
‘What??’
‘Yes!’
‘OK, how do you spell that??’
‘Are you being serious???
‘JUST SPELL IT, PLEASE!!!!’
‘OK (spells the word) S for Sheep, E for Electricity, R for Rooney, I for Ice-pick, O for Oslo, U for Underpants, S for another sheep, L for Lunatic and Y for . . . well . . just Y!’
‘Ok, how about a memorable date??’
‘No thanks, I’m married! Hohohohhaha!’
‘ ~~~~ icy, icy silence ~~~’
‘OK, how about 03-07-2006??’
‘That’s today!!’
‘Well, I won’t forget it in a hurry, will you?’
(can I hear gnashing of teeth??)
‘OK, lastly can you give me the name of your last school?!’
‘Yes (remember I was brought up in Germany), It is
Johann-Gottfried-Herder-Gymnasium-Koeln-Buchheim!’
‘ ~~~~ utter, utter, utter silence ~~~’
(Tries not to cry) Any other school??’
‘Yes, but that was my last one!’
‘What about your first one?’
‘Bruck’
‘That’ll do! You are now registered to bank online! Good-bye’
Click!

Well, that was fun!! By the way . . remember the fact that I cannot remember names?!?
I have already forgotten what name I gave for the memorable one!
Maybe I will just have to cancel this account again!

P.S.: If you are Sally from XXX-Bank . . . . Sorry, love!!

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