Thursday, 23 September 2010

Still my Koala gently weeps!

Now be honest! How often have you listened to the Radio or watched the news on TV only to be presented with some (seemingly) useless fact derived from some (seemingly) useless research program and thinking:
‘Wow!! Who in his (her) right mind has sanctioned to spend time and money on finding this out?!?’
Yeeeees! . . . There it is! We all can remember incidents like this.
Here are some of my favourite examples:

Men who use Laptop Computers could be unwittingly damaging their Fertility, experts believe.
Funnily enough, so could ‘riding a bike and slipping off the pedals, thus hitting your family jewels on the bar’, ‘smoking’, ‘drinking’, ‘nude sun-bathing’ or ‘getting kneed in the groin’ to mention just a few.

Dr Ben Moore at the ANU has discovered that Koalas like the Leaves of mid-sized Eucalypt Trees.
Really??!! I could have asked a couple of six-formers to sit in front of a zoo enclosure to come up with this news and now that we know this, what are we going to do with the info?
“Hello?! Koalas-R-Us? Yeah, your eucalypt trees suck!"
"Yeah, they are too big and the koalas are complaining! Get your act together or we’ll buy them off . . . eehhm . . crap! . . . you are the only supplier!”

Likewise in the wild, are we putting signs up reading ‘Koalas stay off these trees! They are not ready yet! They need to mature! Have a Grolsch instead!'

Dr Cliff Arnall of Cardiff University concluded the study of which day of the year is most depressing and found it is 24 January.
Hmmm! Let me see . . . ! If you are not prone to depression, then frankly you wouldn’t give a fig, right! On the other hand if you are a manic depressive, then you surely don’t need some academic Herbert to tell you that 24 January would be a jolly good day to kill yourself!
Is it me???

The Durham University scientists research into what is the luckiest colour in sport concluded it was “Red”.
As a Tottenham Hotspurs supporter I should now immediately demand that such teams as Liverpool and Manchester United get 10 points deducted for unfair advantage, sporting as it were a red shirt. Amazing though, since up to now the concept of ‘luck’ always struck me as . . . well . . random!
“Sorry, Sir, you were unsuccessful in getting this job! You have the right qualifications and come highly recommended but candidate B, useless as he is, is wearing red shorts! You just couldn’t compete with that!”

According to a study by Vale Researchers, the chemical tributyltin oxide (TBT), used in paint for the bottom of large vessels to protect against barnacles, may cause hearing difficulties in whales and other mammals.
Holy Moses!! Really???!! I always thought that two thirds of our entire planet was made up of water. For all you geeks out there, this equates to 225.707 million sq ft of water!! Even if you would take all the bottoms of all the ships and placed them together in the middle of this vastness of ocean, you’d not even spot it on the horizon. Someone is having a laugh, right?!! I reckon that some whale dude ignored his wife’s calls and then blamed it on the ships.
“W’as happ’nin’ ma man? You disrespecting me?”
“Na, I couldn’t hear ya, love! Your sweet voice didn’t bounce of dem barnacles as it used to!”.
Hey, guess who is paying for all the above research?? Yeah! You and me, that’s who!!
Here is some other type of research I could suggest – just as useless but what the hell:

Does binge drinking affect your balance?
Does using your mobile phone 24/7 increase your bill?
Does lack of oxygen eventually kill you?

Don’t get me wrong, research is vital for us to understand and be able to action many things but in some cases the only cheque that should be given should be a reality check.

If you can think of some useless research you have come across, why not post a comment below?!

1 comment:

  1. Now I know where Victoria gets her sense of humour... this explains a lot!